How to Look and Act Like a Business Person

Today in introduction to public relations we were talking about the business world, and how work no longer ends after the 9-5 shift. Social media has made the world a very different place. No longer can the stressed office gopher sip on his bottle of gin in the desk, and the secretary must refrain from suggestive photos on Facebook, and what ever you do don't get drunk in public...unless of course you're no less than three towns and over the mountain from where you live.

Actually thinking about it the world was always like this; the office drunk was just tolerated, the frisky secretary was unknown of outside of work, and liquid lunches was the standard. I was just thinking of making a list of sorts of how to become a corporate drone in the 21^st century and how it can pay off big time, so here goes:

1) Be a Suck-up to the Boss:

The Office suck-up

The key to success in the office is sucking up to the boss, by all means, bosses love suck-ups. To succeed one must first remember to take it slow, nobody likes a suck-up from the get go, start out small, be the guy who does his job half assed enough to not get noticed but still good enough that you don't get fired. When the boss decides to talk to you one day about your extreme averageness simply rat on every co-worker who has ever said anything bad about him, taken pencils and pens, or showed up even five minutes late, from that point on you'll have him and it'll only be promotions from there until one day you become CEO and then realize that you actually know nothing about running a company because you are a suck-up and then the vicious cycle begins yet again.

2) Be Safe on the World Wide Web:

The only way to protect yourself from the damages of the inter-web is to never leave the house, and don't own a computer, also not showering is sure to keep the commoners away and keep you out of any potentially career ending drunken photos. For those of us that don't live in a cave it is not that easy unfortunately. There are some ways to look like a 'moral' and 'self respecting' worker on the net, the easiest solution is delete all negative photos, for the average youth that will be all of them but 3, and don't forget to change your info, mention Mary Jane as an interest and your career is over before it begins. An easier way to get by on the net though is to simply put a fake name on the fun profile and set up a new 'professional' one. This is the one where you can put all the pictures of yourself as a loving husband hard worker, and serious business man. Include interests such as work, perseverance, and my family. The boss loves a family man, and you will surely be promoted sooner than later. Protip: Use Facebook to suck-up, (see section 1) try updating your status with comments like, “Work was really rewarding today, I really feel my boss appreciates me and I will continue to strive to do my best in the office everyday. <3 work!”

3) Change Your Look:

Dressed for Success

Nothing can ruin your great resume in a job interview worse than a poor appearance. If you are thinking about entering the interview rocking long hair, wife beater, and jeans don't even bother, hell a Harvard grad probably wouldn't even get hired like that. How you look means everything, that fancy diploma from that super expensive University means nothing without the right look. This can be countered by looking 'right'. To look like a future cigar chomping corporate bigwig all you need is a suit, nice shoes, a John Edwards haircut and a pair of glasses to make you look smart. Yes when you are dressed for success you can go from buying cheap $10 dollar hooch at the liquor to store to a $400 dollar a week cocaine/polyester suit habit in no time! The boss will be happy that you don't drink plus actually care how you look, and the cocaine will keep you up for those long crazy nights at the office.

4) Know How to Talk:
Finally you must know how to talk. Every boss wants someone who can speak English in a way that they say absolutely nothing, but sound like they are saying something important. Instead of saying I filed that report this afternoon say...well I don't know bust out a thesaurus and throw in some big words that no one understands, no one cares what your saying, but you at least sound smart and the boss will respect you. Protip: Hush by rockers Tool has a line that goes “I can say what I want to even if I'm not serious.” In the office you can't...that could lead to sexual harassment accusations or worse!

Follow these four tips, and you will move on up in the working world and discover that you are going from crappy apartment downtown to four million dollar mansion in no time! Yes it will be in some prestigious gated community without poor people...unless of course they are shining your shoes.

All kidding aside, seriously I'm starting to think that the corporate world is impossible to succeed in. You can't drink, you can't grow your hair, you can't say what you want, you can't date your co-workers, and most importantly you cannot be yourself. I really hope this view changes in the future as the youth of the day and our creative minds change the future for tomorrows workplace, a place where I can have a liquid lunch, where pants are optional, and most importantly I can scream fu** when something goes oh so horribly wrong...if not maybe I'll just open my own mega company, ya Brandon's Auto Parts, Battle Axes, and Assorted Meat Products, sounds cool at least...Until that day I'll continue to fake a smile, tighten my collar, bite my tongue and pretend everything is alright!